I Almost Do.

Goodbye, Again.

"There's such a difference between us, and a million miles..."

Why do we have to do this all over again...?

I Guess...

"Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."

- Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina

Embarrassing incident #129923

When you did something stupid and embarrassing, all you can do, sometimes, is just to shout your lungs out saying...

WHY AM I SO STUPID?!

Then you'll feel a bit better. Or not. 

Hi there. Yes, I was here the whole time.

I may or may not have mentioned that I don't express myself really well. The best of my intentions have often ended up horribly wrong in words, and I have slowly turned into a very quiet person without me realizing it until now.

This realization first hits me when I noticed that people had to tell me the same thing twice just so I get it, because I didn't respond much (my brain may go off circuit sometimes but I assure you I understand human language). People have also told me I'm quiet, but I never gave it much thought, as I perceive myself as a very talkative person when I'm around people I'm comfortable with, and often spurt out words I regret saying. This realization was confirmed with my mum telling me "You're actually quite a sensible and observant person, you just don't express yourself out loud. You're too quiet."

Having an acquaintance tell me that is one thing, but having my own mum (which is the closest person to me on earth) tell me that is entirely another thing. It's that same feeling I get when the nurse told me that my blood type is actually A instead of O, which was what I have believed for 17 years. (Okay I may be a very bad perceiver of self.)

So, in order to avoid expressing myself the wrong way, I have subconsciously chosen to completely not express myself. My instinct to run away have, again, took over. I should have known.

Now comes the purpose of this post. It has come to the point where I have to post this to prove a point to myself (because really, who reads this). That I actually have a personality (I actually questioned myself about this but hey a less colourful personality is still considered a personality #positivethinking) underneath the quietness and I'm not mentally disabled (not that there's anything wrong with that, I just don't want to have people worrying for no reason). This post, is a first step towards expressing myself - it's actually quite a step, considering that my draft posts are almost the same amount as my published posts. Yes, I write things and keep it to myself, but don't all people do that? No?

Sigh. I've always thought that 'silence is golden', because "even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent" (Proverbs 17:28), and "whoever keeps his mouth and his tongue keeps himself out of trouble" (Proverbs 21:23). But apparently it doesn't apply to every situation and there are times where I have made others frustrated over my silence. If somehow you (yes, you) have been frustrated because of my inexpressiveness, I wish to apologize to you and ask that you be patient with me while I try to find the appropriate words to respond to you.

I also have instances in which I regretted not speaking up for what I believed. I guess there's always a time and place for words, and I need to learn to discern when I should speak up and when not to. Tips, anyone?

P/S: I wanted to delete this post several times now, but I promised myself not to (see kids, don't make promises you can't keep), so I just wanna add a note to self that I don't want to speak up more just for the sake of expressing myself - that would be rather pointless and valueless. So this whole post was just a rant, really. Sorry for wasting your time, kthxbai.

Song of My Life

I secretly like sad movies. Like, not just sappy romance, but those that tug at your heartstrings, and touch on topics like the inevitable end of this life and that every waking moment, every person that you crossed paths with, is a gift.

As for reasons why I like those kind of movies, is probably because they relate to the existential crisis that hits me every now and then. My favourites among this genre are "About Time", "Never Let Me Go", and "The Fault in Our Stars". Even "Up" made me feel a little melancholy. Yes, I'm aware of how they are borderline depressing, but I find that they also provoke thoughts about the meaning of life and love (note: not romance). 

On a side-note, I've always thought that I'd be a clinically depressed person if I wasn't Christian. The hope that God gives not only makes Him worth dying for, but also to live for.

And with that I present to you the tune that is so sad it'll make you cry your eyes out:

These Memories

I know I will not be able to fully let go, at least not now. There are times that I will fall back, but I pray to God so that He will not let me make the same mistakes of hurting you again.

I have went through this countless times, but when it finally came down to it, I was not prepared at all. Every time I told myself I have let go, but it was like a letting a kite go while still holding on tightly to its strings, hoping that it will not fly too far away.

This time, I'm saying goodbye to the kite. It was not mine to hold in the first place. As tempting as it is to think that it will come back, I can't entertain the thought of it. I'm trusting God on this. Even if my hands remain empty after I've opened them. Even if the healing doesn't come. 

God has graciously given me memories that I can keep for awhile before it fades. But for now, ...

...these memories, I will hold them dear.