In Loving Memory...

Ah Poh would have turned 94-years-old today. 25th of the 5th month in the Chinese Lunar Calendar, year 1922, she was born. 14th June 2014, 11.20a.m., she passed away. I could vividly remember sitting on the couch at home while watching football highlights, tired from the run that I participated with Amanda. Then came the call from my dad from the hospital to my mum.

'Ah Poh is in critical condition.' It feels like deja vu. The last time similar words were uttered, my grandfather passed away without me seeing him for the last time. This could not be happening, I thought. Eventhough Ah Kong's passing was devastating to the 14-year-old me, I had the comfort of knowing Ah Kong accepted Christ and would be in heaven with Him. Ah Poh had not. I rushed to the hospital with mum; while Angela, Amanda, and Zhou who were on their way to Amanda's school, detoured to the hospital as well. We reached at the same time, and walked as fast as we could without saying anything much. Thoughts flood my mind and I tried to block them out while praying to God not to take my grandma away from me just yet. When we reached her ward, I see some of my relatives who were already there.

They were not by Ah Poh's bed; instead they were all standing limply at the walls at the entrance of the ward, eyes downcast and red. I walked pass them slowly, not wanting to believe it. Dad urged us forward to Ah Poh's bed. 'Go kiss Ah Poh.' were words enough to make me rush forward. Ah Poh was off drip, eyes open and still. I trembled and managed to call out, 'Ah Poh'. She did not respond. I kissed her cheek and hoped for the tiniest respond, a hint of the smile that she always gives me when I smile at her. When it did not come, all of me broke down and I could not look anymore. I find myself in the arms of my aunt, who tried consoling me and told us 'You have all done your best'. But I was inconsolable.

It was so much harder to take it this time. You would think it gets easier, but it never does. Ah Poh have been with me for the whole 21 years of my life. She was there when I first started kindergarten, holding my little hand as we walk side by side to and fro my kindergarten. I remember her being so proud when I got 2nd placing in a report card that she collected for me, and gets prouder with every single one of my achievement from then on. She was there waiting for me to come back from school for lunch which she prepared. She was there when the rebellious teenage me argued with my parents, and she would be on my side. She was there everytime I leave or come back home, asking me where am I going, when I would be back, have I eaten or not. And that's where I took her for granted. Because she was always there, even when she was sick, I never once given energy to the thought of what I would do without her. I have failed to realize, when Ah Poh had slowly stopped exercising early in the morning, thinking she was just tired. I failed to realize, when Ah Poh had slowly stopped getting the remote control of the TV by herself and switch it to some Taiwanese drama that she enjoys watching over and over again eventhough she does not understand them. I failed to realize, when Ah Poh had stopped pulling the couch away from the TV because I was sitting too close to it. I failed to realize, when Ah Poh had stopped telling me Hainanese poems or requested me to put on the tape of her favourite Hainanese theatre play.

Because despite all these, she was still always sitting at her chair right in front of her door, where I would see her when I come back home, asking me about my day. She would still make the Chinese Rice Crispies that she makes every Chinese New Year, and make kaya, and cook for special occasions. She would still give me an angpao every Chinese New Year and every birthdays of mine. She would still comment at my dark-coloured/ less than feminine clothes everytime I walk out the door. She would still show me old pictures of our family. She would still check up on me when I fall sick at home. She would still smile at me when I smile at her, even when she's sick.

The thought of all these that would be missing from my life from now onwards, is unbearable. That she would not be there for my graduation, nor my wedding. That she would not be sitting at her chair, waiting for us to come home anymore.

Ah Poh has taught me so much. She has always been strong-willed yet kind and generous. The selfless love she showered upon our family was one of a kind. I thank God for the privilege of having Ah Poh through the 21 years of my life. Despite the many regrets I have, I can only surrender her to God and pray that her memory will live on within me. I will miss her dearly. Happy birthday, Ah Poh. <3

Dying to Self

"The heart of the matter, then, is to understand what it means to die to self; When you're forgiven, or neglected, or purposely set at naught, and you sting and hurt with the insult of the oversight, but your heart is happy, being counted worthy to suffer for Christ - that is dying to self. When your good is evil spoken of, when your wishes are crossed, your advice disregarded, your opinions ridiculed, and you refuse to let anger rise in your heart, or even defend yourself, but take it all in patient loving silence - that is dying to self.

When you lovingly and patiently bear any disorder, any irregularity, or any annoyance, when you can stand face to face with waste, folly, extravagance, spiritual insensibility, and endure it as Jesus endured it - that is dying to self. When you are content with any circumstance, any food, any offering, any clothing, any climate, any society, any solicitude, any interruption by the will of God - that is dying to self.

When you never care to refer to yourself in conversation, or record your own good works, or itch after any commendation from others, when you can truly love to be unknown - that is dying to self. When you can see your brother prosper and have his needs met and can honestly rejoice with him in spirit and feel no envy nor question God, while your own needs are far greater and your circumstances more desperate - that is dying to self.

When you can receive correction and reproof from one of less stature than yourself, and can humbly submit inwardly as well as outwardly, finding no rebellion or resentment rising up within your heart - that is dying to self." - John MacArthur