I Almost Do.

Goodbye, Again.

"There's such a difference between us, and a million miles..."

Why do we have to do this all over again...?

I Guess...

"Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."

- Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina

Embarrassing incident #129923

When you did something stupid and embarrassing, all you can do, sometimes, is just to shout your lungs out saying...

WHY AM I SO STUPID?!

Then you'll feel a bit better. Or not. 

Hi there. Yes, I was here the whole time.

I may or may not have mentioned that I don't express myself really well. The best of my intentions have often ended up horribly wrong in words, and I have slowly turned into a very quiet person without me realizing it until now.

This realization first hits me when I noticed that people had to tell me the same thing twice just so I get it, because I didn't respond much (my brain may go off circuit sometimes but I assure you I understand human language). People have also told me I'm quiet, but I never gave it much thought, as I perceive myself as a very talkative person when I'm around people I'm comfortable with, and often spurt out words I regret saying. This realization was confirmed with my mum telling me "You're actually quite a sensible and observant person, you just don't express yourself out loud. You're too quiet."

Having an acquaintance tell me that is one thing, but having my own mum (which is the closest person to me on earth) tell me that is entirely another thing. It's that same feeling I get when the nurse told me that my blood type is actually A instead of O, which was what I have believed for 17 years. (Okay I may be a very bad perceiver of self.)

So, in order to avoid expressing myself the wrong way, I have subconsciously chosen to completely not express myself. My instinct to run away have, again, took over. I should have known.

Now comes the purpose of this post. It has come to the point where I have to post this to prove a point to myself (because really, who reads this). That I actually have a personality (I actually questioned myself about this but hey a less colourful personality is still considered a personality #positivethinking) underneath the quietness and I'm not mentally disabled (not that there's anything wrong with that, I just don't want to have people worrying for no reason). This post, is a first step towards expressing myself - it's actually quite a step, considering that my draft posts are almost the same amount as my published posts. Yes, I write things and keep it to myself, but don't all people do that? No?

Sigh. I've always thought that 'silence is golden', because "even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent" (Proverbs 17:28), and "whoever keeps his mouth and his tongue keeps himself out of trouble" (Proverbs 21:23). But apparently it doesn't apply to every situation and there are times where I have made others frustrated over my silence. If somehow you (yes, you) have been frustrated because of my inexpressiveness, I wish to apologize to you and ask that you be patient with me while I try to find the appropriate words to respond to you.

I also have instances in which I regretted not speaking up for what I believed. I guess there's always a time and place for words, and I need to learn to discern when I should speak up and when not to. Tips, anyone?

P/S: I wanted to delete this post several times now, but I promised myself not to (see kids, don't make promises you can't keep), so I just wanna add a note to self that I don't want to speak up more just for the sake of expressing myself - that would be rather pointless and valueless. So this whole post was just a rant, really. Sorry for wasting your time, kthxbai.

Song of My Life

I secretly like sad movies. Like, not just sappy romance, but those that tug at your heartstrings, and touch on topics like the inevitable end of this life and that every waking moment, every person that you crossed paths with, is a gift.

As for reasons why I like those kind of movies, is probably because they relate to the existential crisis that hits me every now and then. My favourites among this genre are "About Time", "Never Let Me Go", and "The Fault in Our Stars". Even "Up" made me feel a little melancholy. Yes, I'm aware of how they are borderline depressing, but I find that they also provoke thoughts about the meaning of life and love (note: not romance). 

On a side-note, I've always thought that I'd be a clinically depressed person if I wasn't Christian. The hope that God gives not only makes Him worth dying for, but also to live for.

And with that I present to you the tune that is so sad it'll make you cry your eyes out:

These Memories

I know I will not be able to fully let go, at least not now. There are times that I will fall back, but I pray to God so that He will not let me make the same mistakes of hurting you again.

I have went through this countless times, but when it finally came down to it, I was not prepared at all. Every time I told myself I have let go, but it was like a letting a kite go while still holding on tightly to its strings, hoping that it will not fly too far away.

This time, I'm saying goodbye to the kite. It was not mine to hold in the first place. As tempting as it is to think that it will come back, I can't entertain the thought of it. I'm trusting God on this. Even if my hands remain empty after I've opened them. Even if the healing doesn't come. 

God has graciously given me memories that I can keep for awhile before it fades. But for now, ...

...these memories, I will hold them dear.

Where is the good in goodbyes...?

I'm not particularly good with goodbyes, and I wonder if anyone ever is. I didn't have many loved ones whom I had to part with, but when I do, I slip into this trance of denial (or ignorance) in my everyday life - as though things were still the same. Of course, only up till a point when I subconsciously want to talk to this particular person but I can't, that I really realize that things will never be the same again. When that happens I sleep it off. And the cycle continues the next day.

I know that it may not seem like the healthiest way to deal with things, but it's how I am able to move on and actually get some work done.

Speaking of work done, I have started my internship since March and it has been pretty exciting the first few weeks with all the travelling but the past few...hasn't been all that great. I was supposed to be out-stationed this week after 4 weeks of being in the office, but I was last minute (on a Saturday) swapped to be in the office instead. I was actually looking forward to the assignment in somewhere other than Malacca, and you can say I was feeling pretty disappointed with the new arrangement, and also by the fact that my fellow interns have been out-stationed almost every week, just because their names were the top of the list of interns. But I haven't been doing nothing though, it's just that they need a lot of help in the office as well...with administrative work.

I'm not really complaining. I guess it's better than having no work. All my life has been trials of having to stay put, and being crushed of all hopes that I can finally see the world outside of this place called Malacca. So this should be something I'm used to dealing with.

Please pray for me.

Moving On

I do realized that I have not posted any throwback pictures and it's almost the end of February. This whole post may sound like a bunch of excuses to not getting things done. Perhaps it is, in fact. Okay it is. I may come to realize the whole moral of the story to this, but for now I would just like to rant.

I realized that growing up and being an adult, other than having more 'freedom', is a lot like falling down from a bicycle and trying to get back up when you were a kid. Except it has the probability of happening like 10 times a day and you're forced to wipe your tears and get back up every single time, eventhough all you want to do is just cry and stop cycling once and for all. Because life is a race, and in order to finish it we'll have to keep going. Even when people fail to help you up; even when you fail yourself; even when people deliberately try to knock you down; even when your loved ones leave you.

You have to move on. You have to get up from your bed. You have to go back to your 9 to 5 (sometimes 7) job. You have to face people. You have to keep going despite the fresh open wounds and scars, even when you feel like you can't go any further.

I guess that's why it's important to have an ever-flowing strength that doesn't come from yourself. Something eternal to hold on to. Something that never fails.

Touched.

It's that feeling. The feeling of having your needs unexpectedly met. Having your life unexpectedly touched. I haven't had that in a while. I haven't done that to others in a while.

I want to write down just in case I forget it again.

The ones that are most impactful are those where the giver doesn't even realize the degree of the impact they have left behind. It is a genuine response to someone's needs, usually an unspoken one. It takes a fleeting moment of selfless-ness and freedom from self-consciousness, where all you can think about is how to best help someone in need, without even taking the time to consider what it might cost you, or how it would benefit you - you wouldn't even think about you. It would usually seem effortless to you, like responding in kindness to someone who is in a bad mood, not knowing that he/she have had a really bad day, and that kind response was all it took to make it feel better. 

All these thoughts came from a warm hug from my mother and an offer from my sister to teach me, while I was panicking in the midst of studying. They might not even remember what they have done... but I do.