Resistance

I named that voice in my head that hinders my dreams - Resistance. I am going to overcome it.

Stopping

Once again I outdone myself by overthinking. I may have even skipped past the answer I've been searching for. The answers to my questions brought on even more questions. This triggered my instinct to run away yet again. Meanwhile I wondered why I didn't come up with this song myself. "Ha. That's because you suck at song writing," says the low-esteemed me.


See, these inner conversations have got to stop or else I'll never get a career. That is if I could even decide on a degree. Sorry, off the track. This is the song that I keep coming back to.



Feels like I've been here forever,
Why can`t You just intervene?
Do You see the tears keep falling?
And I'm falling apart at the seams.
But You never said the road would be easy,
But You said that you would never leave.
And You never promised that this life wasn't hard,
But You promised You'd take care of me.

So I'll stop searching for the answers,
I'll stop praying for an escape,
And I'll trust You,God, with where I am,
And believe that You will have Your way.
Just have Your way
Just have Your way

When my friends and my family have left me,
And I feel so ashamed and so cold.
Remind me that You take broken things
And turn them into beautiful.

So I'll stop searching for the answers,
I'll stop praying for an escape,
And I'll trust You, God, with where I am,
And believe that You will have Your way.
Just have Your way
Just have Your way

Even if my dreams have died,
And even if I don't survive,
I'll still worship you with all my life.
My life.

And I'll stop searching for the answers,
I'll stop praying for an escape,
And I'll trust You, God, with where I am,
And believe that You will have Your way.
Just have Your way.
Just have Your way.

I know You will.
I won`t forget.
You love me.
Have Your way.

The Greener Grass

I don't know why I'm blogging at this hour (it's almost 1am, by the way) and I'm supposed to be finishing this scholarship application that is ending in 23 hours. There's this question asking me to 'state one accomplishment that you're proud of' and it's categorized under extra-curricular information for the last 3 years. It's been boggling my mind a little, probably because a)I think it's very subjective, or b)my extra-curriculum for the past 3 years sucks. The latter is the truth I think, and the first is probably just a pathetic excuse I made for myself. The thing is, I've practically dodged being active/responsibilities since Form 1 by jumping from society to society, club to club, until Form 4, when the importance of extra-curriculum started dawning on me a little too late.

I realized since then that I have the GENGA(Good at Everything, Not Great at Anything) disease. I'm one of those people that goes unnoticed during the activities, especially sports. I was good enough to not get picked on by teachers/commanders, but at the same time I didn't get selected to represent my sports house, not to mention representing my school (well there's that one time I substituted for my sports house in a 4x400m relay because the original runner bailed and I had to run while holding up my ponytail as my hairband got loose and I couldn't tie it back with the baton in my hand and apparently most of the school witnessed it but it's allinthepastnowletsmoveon)

*Sigh* I need to stop focusing on what could/should/would have been. I also need to stop the comparisons. I've wondered at the way I think about wanting to go back to high school, with my boredom reaching the brink of restlessness. I yearn to have that stress whenever exams edged near and scream 'aaahhh exams!!!' out loud like I used to do. Maybe I'll regret saying this someday but for now it seems much less frustrating than filling out scholarship applications. Ironically my younger sister seemed to want more of my so-called freedom than handling all the stress of Form 1. Yes, Form 1, can you believe it? But I suppose different people have different worries anyways so I should probably stop looking over to the other side where the grass is always greener and instead focus on how to cultivate some rice here in my yellowing paddy field.

Running Away

It's so tempting to just run away when things go wrong.

"But we can't run away forever."

Self Amusement

Blogging is not easy to commit to. It's hard to put into words what I'm really thinking of. But I'll try putting it into practice.

So the most common question people ask me these days that I dread is "What have you been doing lately?" and I go "Oh, just..you know. Read books.." (give a nod or two, change subject) or "Erm, figuring out what I wanna study" (then hopefully they start giving advice) or some hobbies I just do for fun, like when I get really bored (and that's saying something) like "Sewing" or "Painting". Sad, really. But seriously, mostly what I do is spamming Taylor Swift's songs and guitaring. Not really answers that can continue the conversation. Besides, don't you already have an idea of what am I doing? *sigh*

Anyway whenever I don't blog it means I'm actually doing something. I've been to KL [thanks kor kor! =)] and Singapore for day trips, had my first Subway (finally), watched Youtube videos so much I'm now subscribed to some of them, read Jane Eyre, updated iPhones and iPad (not mine), edited pictures using the Camera+ app (it's so fun I might pick up photographing haha), played Lego with my grandma (yes my grandma is cool like that yo), watched movies and went swimming with Jemimah and Johanna, and took videos with my family's camcorder. It's a Panasonic HDC-SD20 (i think) and it's been laying there in the bag and untouched for months, while I was searching for new hobbies high and low. Tsk tsk tsk.

So I really was figuring out what course I wanna do, which university, etc. until the Japan disaster got me thinking "does it really matter now?" "I don't wanna be apart from my family when the time comes!"

I'm kidding. I'm seriously considering my options. And the results are coming out in three days, when I've been waiting for three months. Time flies even when you're doing nothing.

Oh I've also amused myself with riddles of sorts. Thought it'd get my brain working for a bit. Here's one for you:
The maker doesn't want it, the buyer doesn't use it, the user doesn't see it. What is it?
Please do figure it out for a moment before you give up and ask Google for help. It's really logical!

Song of the entry! "Hey Stephen" by Taylor Swift. I play it on my guitar whenever I wanna get silly. Annoys my sister to no end. =P

Overload

So many things are running through my mind. I cannot slow any of them down and actually analyse them properly.

Wasted time. Wasting time. Procrastination. Priorities. Goals. Decisions. Patience. Insecurities. Disappointment. Letting down and being let down. Loving and being guarded. Relationships. Letting go. Being loved. Simple joys. Contentment. Desires. Courage. Growing up.

Maybe I'm overthinking. I may need productivity. Or maybe solitude from thoughts is what I need. I have a feeling my wake up call is coming soon. Meanwhile I just need to enjoy my chillin' life right now and make the most out of it.

Three things will last forever - faith, hope, and love - and the greatest of these is love. (1 Corinthians 13:13)

Song stuck in my head: 'Yang Terutama'. It tugged my heartstrings especially when the chorus was sung. I still can't find the official/nicer version of it =( I need to put it on my lullaby playlist!

Don't be afraid

"Don't be afraid to make mistakes"

I always thought this is just another philosophical phrase that I'd never really apply to my life. I mean, why make mistakes when you can just do things the way you're familiar with? Be in your own comfort zone? It would make life so much more simple, wouldn't it?

But no, life is too short for that.

I've been thinking about that lately during these times when my days are just a blur of routines. What can I do to "live life like there's no tomorrow", when everyday I am waiting for tomorrow to come? *coughs* SPM results. *coughs*

In making mistakes, I don't mean deliberately making mistakes. I mean taking a chance at things I've always wanted to do but never got to it, or making a decision that might make or break. It might not turn out the way I wanted to, but it's a risk worth taking. And with much praying, I believe, "God is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think." - Ephesians 3 :20

Besides, "we can do no great things, only small things with great love" - Mother Teresa

Meanwhile, The Notebook by Nicholas Sparks brought tears to my eyes. And there's a sequel, The Wedding. I'm very tempted to buy it.