These Memories

I know I will not be able to fully let go, at least not now. There are times that I will fall back, but I pray to God so that He will not let me make the same mistakes of hurting you again.

I have went through this countless times, but when it finally came down to it, I was not prepared at all. Every time I told myself I have let go, but it was like a letting a kite go while still holding on tightly to its strings, hoping that it will not fly too far away.

This time, I'm saying goodbye to the kite. It was not mine to hold in the first place. As tempting as it is to think that it will come back, I can't entertain the thought of it. I'm trusting God on this. Even if my hands remain empty after I've opened them. Even if the healing doesn't come. 

God has graciously given me memories that I can keep for awhile before it fades. But for now, ...

...these memories, I will hold them dear.

Where is the good in goodbyes...?

I'm not particularly good with goodbyes, and I wonder if anyone ever is. I didn't have many loved ones whom I had to part with, but when I do, I slip into this trance of denial (or ignorance) in my everyday life - as though things were still the same. Of course, only up till a point when I subconsciously want to talk to this particular person but I can't, that I really realize that things will never be the same again. When that happens I sleep it off. And the cycle continues the next day.

I know that it may not seem like the healthiest way to deal with things, but it's how I am able to move on and actually get some work done.

Speaking of work done, I have started my internship since March and it has been pretty exciting the first few weeks with all the travelling but the past few...hasn't been all that great. I was supposed to be out-stationed this week after 4 weeks of being in the office, but I was last minute (on a Saturday) swapped to be in the office instead. I was actually looking forward to the assignment in somewhere other than Malacca, and you can say I was feeling pretty disappointed with the new arrangement, and also by the fact that my fellow interns have been out-stationed almost every week, just because their names were the top of the list of interns. But I haven't been doing nothing though, it's just that they need a lot of help in the office as well...with administrative work.

I'm not really complaining. I guess it's better than having no work. All my life has been trials of having to stay put, and being crushed of all hopes that I can finally see the world outside of this place called Malacca. So this should be something I'm used to dealing with.

Please pray for me.

Moving On

I do realized that I have not posted any throwback pictures and it's almost the end of February. This whole post may sound like a bunch of excuses to not getting things done. Perhaps it is, in fact. Okay it is. I may come to realize the whole moral of the story to this, but for now I would just like to rant.

I realized that growing up and being an adult, other than having more 'freedom', is a lot like falling down from a bicycle and trying to get back up when you were a kid. Except it has the probability of happening like 10 times a day and you're forced to wipe your tears and get back up every single time, eventhough all you want to do is just cry and stop cycling once and for all. Because life is a race, and in order to finish it we'll have to keep going. Even when people fail to help you up; even when you fail yourself; even when people deliberately try to knock you down; even when your loved ones leave you.

You have to move on. You have to get up from your bed. You have to go back to your 9 to 5 (sometimes 7) job. You have to face people. You have to keep going despite the fresh open wounds and scars, even when you feel like you can't go any further.

I guess that's why it's important to have an ever-flowing strength that doesn't come from yourself. Something eternal to hold on to. Something that never fails.

Touched.

It's that feeling. The feeling of having your needs unexpectedly met. Having your life unexpectedly touched. I haven't had that in a while. I haven't done that to others in a while.

I want to write down just in case I forget it again.

The ones that are most impactful are those where the giver doesn't even realize the degree of the impact they have left behind. It is a genuine response to someone's needs, usually an unspoken one. It takes a fleeting moment of selfless-ness and freedom from self-consciousness, where all you can think about is how to best help someone in need, without even taking the time to consider what it might cost you, or how it would benefit you - you wouldn't even think about you. It would usually seem effortless to you, like responding in kindness to someone who is in a bad mood, not knowing that he/she have had a really bad day, and that kind response was all it took to make it feel better. 

All these thoughts came from a warm hug from my mother and an offer from my sister to teach me, while I was panicking in the midst of studying. They might not even remember what they have done... but I do.

A New Year Again

Time passed so fast I only realized it's the last day of the year, today. Stay tuned for throwback pictures, probably a few days later.

By a few days I actually mean a few months or probably years. #procrastination

Blank

She stares at the blank screen,
A few times, she has been,
Wanting to write something,
Something that has provoked a thought, something worth sharing.
But as often as she craves for ice cream in a day,
Distraction came and pushed the thought away.
Until a day like today - when long forgotten was the thought.
Her eyes shifted to the messy pile of things next to her laptop.
And off her mind goes to the amount of work she needed to get done.
She sighs, and thinks, what a bore she has become.
As always, conversations linger in her head,
And she thought of the responses she should have made.
Like the other day, when someone asked,
"Are you okay?", she answered, "Yeah, I'm just tired."
Her face betrays, her dark circles couldn't hide,
The emotional roller-coaster that was her ride.
Then there was this friend,
Who, a year ago, cheered her without end.
She was grateful, nonetheless,
But her sentiments she suppressed.
Her only medium was this place,
She hopes the friendship wasn't just a phase.
So if he happens to stumble upon this,
She wishes him all the joy and bliss...

And as the clock strikes 3 a.m. without her notice,
Her first poem was unintentionally and messily created.

Confession.

I'm sorry I can't give you my best right now. 'Cause inside I'm dying.